My last ditch effort to hang on to summer
Dress: Shopruche (old)
Opening up a little bit today...
Lately, I had been feeling really insufficient as a mom and as a person. Last month I wasn't around much for Grace because I was pretty involved with work related things. It only takes one month for a child to notice that a parent hasn't been as present. Grace didn't want me anymore! I use to put her to sleep, and but she kept pushing me away. If Aaron and I were together playing with her, she would rather crawl towards him and sit on his lap. If I held her and someone else came along, she would immediately want to squirm away from me. One time, I tried to put her to sleep- she slapped me, pushed me away and tried to run away from me in bed- frantically crawling towards the door, screaming "baba!! baba!!"
I know she doesn't mean anything by this, and she is just expressing some of her preferences, but I just couldn't help but feel unloved. Then the feelings of blame started- "it's my fault that she doesn't prefer you, how come you weren't around more? Maybe if you breastfed more, she would be closer to you. You've always been so busy and now your daughter doesn't prefer you"... blah blah blah.
My best friends, Rachelle, Beverly and I have been lifting each other up in prayer through emails. Both of them have little ones, and we are all going through our own types of struggles. They reminded me why we are praying everyday for the physical, spiritual and emotional well-beings of our children. Grace has her preferences right now, and that's okay! The selfish side of me wanted Grace to love me and show it through physical affection all the time, with greater preference towards me than anyone else because I'm her mom! I needed to understand and be okay with the fact that it doesn't always have to manifest that way. Being a mom has given me so much more insight and understanding of our loving God and the unconditional love He shows us everyday, yet we continue to push Him away. Despite all that, His intentions and love for us never change. I know that Grace will continue to change as she grows, but I hope that she grows while fixating her eyes upon Jesus, be willing and teachable towards the word, and grow to be in His likeness.
These pictures of Grace and I warmed my heart because it reminded me that she does love me. We are the world to her. She runs to us for comfort and support, and she always wants to be around us. I hope that will never change :)
Have a great laborday weekend!